Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Laloo Is On!

A CHILD'S PLAY
After completing a jigsaw puzzle, he'd been working, on for quite some time, Laloo prouldy showed off his finished handiwork to a friend.
'It took me only five monts to do it.' bragged laloo.
'Five months? That's too long,' exclaimed his friend.
'You are a fool. See this puzzle, it is written "for 4-7 years",' replied Laloo.
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Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:
A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?
Shopkepper: Woh Phutwa Nahin Sahib
Wo To Seesa (Mirror) He!
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लालू जी : अपने पी ऐ से । इतने खिलाड़ी क्यो फुठबल को लात मार रहे है ।
पी ऐ : गोल करने के लिए
लालू जी : सुसरा , बाल तो पहले से ही गोल है और कितना गोल करेंगे
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While on a personal visit to Las vegas, LaLoo wanted to talk to his wife' but he afraid to disturb her. So he picked up the phone and asked the long distance telephone operater ' Could u please tell me the time differance between patna and Las vegas"
Opertor: just a minute sir.....
Laloo: Thank u and put the phone down
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At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "Johnnie Walker, Single." And the man's companion says, "Jack Daniels , Single." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "And you, sir?" Laloo replies: "Laloo Yadav, Married."
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Once Laloo prasad yadav took some photos with a herd of buffaloes , Next day the photo appeared on the front page of a Bihari newspaper. Guess the caption!! 'Laloo,third from left!'
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India and Pakistan conflict was successfully solved by our own Lalu ji:
During a meeting with the President of Pakistan, Lalo ji told him that since u want Kashmir to be annexed to your country, "chalo hum aap ko aur ek freebie dethein hain…bihar bhi laylo"
Mr.Musharaff immediately withdrew his demand for Kashmir.
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Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: " God, When shall I see The defeat of Bush? "
God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
 Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him:" God, when shall I see the Capture of Kashmir by Pakistan? "
God replies:" Son, you will not see it in lifetime".
Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him:"God when shall I see Bihar Becoming a prosperous and happy state ?"
Hearing this, God starts crying.
Laaloo is astounded and asks: "God, why are you crying?"
 God replies:" Son, I will not see it in my lifetime."
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Once Laloo was coming out of the Airport. As there was a Huge
rush, the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE", for which Laloo
replied "85 Kgs" and moved on…
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Laloo's family planning policy : DON'T HAVE MORE THAN TWO
CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR
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A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for divorce?"
Laloo replies "Marriage".
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What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo
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Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
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Laloo returns from a US tour. As he completes his press conference and is about to leave, he goes, "I would like to thank the president of the United States from the bottom of my heart and my wife's bottom too!"
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Laloo Parsad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a suitable post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.
A few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.


Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference :
"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."

Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padh kar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.
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Laloo Yadav's car was travelling along a village road on the way to Patna, when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of his car. The piglet dies on the spot.

Laloo, upset, tells the driver to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages. The driver goes to the nearby village and comes back after an hour with two bags full of money.

Laloo wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "Maine jab gaon pahuncha to dekha ki kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub main unko bataya ki kya hua, tab sare log hamra aas paas jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par maine
dekha ki saare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki yeh sara paisa wo jaanvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya, aur kaha 'bahut achchha kaam kiya hai re bhaiya, bahut achchha.'"

Laloo says, "Sasoor ka nati, theek theek bata mujhko, tu unko kya bola tha?"

The driver replies "Maine kaha ki main Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur maine
soowar-ka bachcha ko maar dala hoon!".
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Laallooo Prasad Yadav gave a speech to "pharin delegation" from Amrika. The topic of the speech was COWW

What is a Cow
HE IS THE COW. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, (but will do so when he is got child.). He is same like - God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. (Horses don't have any such attachment.)

Use of a cow
What can it do? Various - ghee, butter, cream, curd, and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also, his other motion... (gobar) is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making Pizza that can be used for heating oneself in winter. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chews with his teeth who are situated in the inside of the mouth.

Tailing a cow
He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies, which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he, gives hit with it.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Jay Hind!"
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In an interview,
Interviewer: Lalooji aapne apne beti ki shaadi ke liye zabardasti gaadi le li car showroom se. Iske baare mein aapko kya kehna kya hai?

Laloo: Arrey hum thodi zabardasti karna chaahte the. Hum prem se pooche rahe to oo boley nahi de sakte. Ab aur kouno chaara hi nahi tha ka karen Frown

Someone frm Audience: Arrey Lalooji chaara bachega kaise - saara chaara to aap hi ghotaale mein khaa gaye
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once laloo goes to the US to learn english from bush.

he calls his wife rabri and says english is a funny language and he is having fun.

after 2 months bush calls rabri and says: hum bushwa bol raha hun, yeh englis kabhi nahin seekh sakta.
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STATE OF BIHAR DRIVING LICEN APPLIKASON PHA-RUM

NOTE: If you dont know the answers, please capi fram another applikason pharum and submit. For further instruktions, see battum
applikason.

Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give
you the lisen immediately.

(Check appropriate box)

Last name:
(_) Yadav
(_) Sinha
(_) Pandey
(_) Mishra
(_) do not know


First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivaprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dont know

Age:
(_) Less than zero
(_) Zero
(_) Greater than zero
(_) Don't know

Sex:
____ M _____ F _____ not sure _____ not applicable

Chappal Size:
____ Left ____ Right

Occupasion:
(_) Politician
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed

Number of children living in household:
___
Number tha t are yours: ___
Mother\'s Name: _______________________
Father\'s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Ejjucason:
1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you bathe?

(_) Yes (_) No Not applicable

If yes, how often do you bathe?
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Yearly
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) Others - Give exact color (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if U
dont know the color of your teeth)

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don\'t know

_________________________
(Your thumb imparesson)
* If you are capying from another applikason pharom, please do nat
capy thumb impression also.


* Please provide your own thumb impression.
PLEASE DO NAT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS. Use thumb on your
lefthand only. If you dont have
left hand, use your thumb on right hand.
If
you do nat have right
hand,
use thumb on left hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU
CANNOT DRIVE
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Laloo, Rabri and his son were returning from south by train.

Laloo was ccupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and
his son the top most berth in the train compartment.

The train stopped at one of the stations on the way back and the
son asked Laloo to bring him a Cadburys chocolate. When Laloo
and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't
understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Upset and angry, Laloo called the Ticket checker & asked him to
help. The Ticket checker said that he could not understand
Hindi or Bihari so it would be nice if Laloo explained the whole
situation
to him in English.

So Laloo explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving
birth to my child."
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three scientists, an american, a german and an indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

the american said "in washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. and he grew up and became an olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist!"

the german said, "thats nothing to what we have achieved. back in berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. now she is an olympics marathon gold medallist!"

the indian smirked: "is that all you have achieved? just gold medallists? in patna, bihar, we had a baby boy born without a head! we attached a coconut and called him Laloo and he grew up to become the chief minister of Bihar!"
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JACK AND JILL POEM IN LALOO STYLE

jack and jilwa gaye upar hilwa pe, pani bhari ka vaste.
jekwa gir gawa, uka khopdi fut gawa
and jilwa aawat ludkan pura raste
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An air hostess to laloo- "You are vegetarian or non vegetarian?"
Laloo- " I am Indian."
Air hostess- "No, no sir you are shakahari or masahari?"
Laloo- "I am Bihari."
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Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don't Laugh). As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Yamraj answered, "Those are LieClocks. Everyone on Earth has a LieClock.Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock is that?"That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie. "And whose clock is that? "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life." Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?" Laloo"s clock is in my office", replied yamraj, "I'm using it as a ceiling fan.
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lalooji wathing a kabaddi match sitting in the best seat available.
The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to c such an important match?"
Lalooji replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."
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Laloo's Study Numerology

A British Diplomat paid a courtesy visit to Lalloojee. During a Garden party at the Palace, he thought of entertaining Lalloojee with the following magic of numbers.

He said, "Your excellency, Look at the value of the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it will be:
H A R D W O R K : 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E : 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
L O B B Y I N G : 12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 % Only
L U C K : 12 21 3 11 = 47 % Only
Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most important.
A T T I T U D E : 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %


Sir, do you find it useful? This magic can work on your people to improve themselves, increase productivity, and make your Kingdom prosperous. Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your people. We can do it in less than a year"

Lalloojee thought for a while; and said, "I have better formula.
See this......
C O R R U P T I O N : 3 15 18 21 16 9 15 14 = 111 %
Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can do it in less than one week."
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Laloo,Jayalalitha,and karunanidhi are on a long flight in an
Air Force plane.
Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and says,
"I'm going to throw this Rs.100 note out and make someone down below happy."
Jayalalitha not wanting to be outdone says,
"If that was my 100 Rupee note,I would split it into two Rs.50 notes throw them down and make two people down below happy."

Of course karunanidhi doesn't want these two candidates to out do him so he pipes in,
'I would instead take one hundred Rs.1 notes and throw them out to
make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot who has overheard all this bragging and can't
stand it anymore comes out and says,
"If I throw all three of you out of this plane and
I'll make 100 crore people happy!"
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After having their 11th child,Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough.

So Laloo went to his doctor & told him that they did not want any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
Lallu and Rabri were against vasectomy,wanted some other alternative
The doctor instructed him to go home,get a Diwali Bomb,light it,put it in an empty Coke can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Laloo said to the doctor,'I'm the smartest man in Bihar,
but I don't see how putting a Diwali atom Bomb in a Coke can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

So the couple drove to Delhito get a second opinion.

The Delhi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed by their Medical records that they ! were from Bihar & would not accept vasectomy.

This doctor also told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali atom Bomb,lightit, place it in a Coke can and hold it to his ear,count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about & couldn't be wrong,
Laloo went home,lit an atom Bomb,put it in a coke can.

He held it up to his ear,began to count with his fingers on his left
hand : '1,2,3, 4,5'
At which point he paused, placed the coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand..
He heard Bomb the sound & the proplem solved.
NO MORE CHILDREN Is possible now.
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Conversations between Our gr8t Laloo n Billgates

Gates : Namaskar! You must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! Most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.

Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.

Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.

Gates: By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.

Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): Do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.

Gates(Heavily Sweating):The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM & ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted & it will be shortly available in A.P..

Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhuasted all my leave.

Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.

Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing).
"Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
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Laloo Prasad is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. they are in the middle of a dicussion related to words and their meanings. the teacher asks laloo if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy. so the leader asks the class for an eg of a tragedy.

one boy stands up and tell: if my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

no, says laloo, that would b an accident.

a girl raised her hand: if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everone inside, that wud b a tragedy

no. says laloo we would call a great loss

the room goes silent. nobody volunteer

laloo asked isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

finally a small boy raises his hand. in a quiet voice he says:if a plane carrying laloo were struck by a missile and blown to smitheereens, that would be a tragedy

fantastic exclaims laloo. that right. & can u tell me why that would be tragedy
bcoz it sure as hell wouldnt b a great loss and it probably wouldnt b an accident either.

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