Joke 1: The Irish declare war
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!". "Well, Paddy, "Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!".
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!". "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Joke 2: The Cow.
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided aquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it - yhen they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." .
The Rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
JOKE 3: A man escapes from a prison
Where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Joke 4: What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is Politics?" Dad says, "well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the head of the family, so call me the president. Your mother is the administrator of the money, So call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, So we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider the working class, And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his Diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think i understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The president is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep s!it.".
Joke 5: The Divine Golf Game
Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green. Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.
Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it onto the green.
Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as it's going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Bloomin hell. Dad, can't you play golf like everyone else?"
Joke 6: The Marathon Runner
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! Its raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running". The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" He replied "Only if it's raining."
Joke 7: The insulting Bus Driver
A woman gets on a public bus with her small child. The bus driver takes one look at the child and says, "My god that is the ugliest baby that I have ever seen." The lady get so pissed off she throws her bus fare at the driver and storms to the back of the bus.
She takes a seat next to another lady. The lady asks, "What's the matter?" The mother says, "The bus driver just insulted me! It was so rude, you would think that public service workers would have more respect for their customers".
The lady then says, "That's horrible, you should go up there are yell at him."
The mother says, "That's a good idea, I think I will."
The lady then says, "Go up there right now, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Joke 8: Uncle Ted.
A blonde guy came home early from work and heard strange noises coming from his bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?' he asked. "I'm having a heart attack !" the woman cried. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialling, his four year old son came up and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he doesn't have any clothes on.".
The man slammed down the phone, stormed back upstairs, back into his bedroom, past his crying wife and ripped open the closet door. Sure enough,there was his brother, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You stupid idiot!" he shouted, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!."
Joke 9: The Irishman
An Irish man was drinking at a bar on the twentieth floor of a skyscraper in New York, he was making idle chat with an American and during the conversation the American was bragging that he could jump out of the window, fall ten floors, go round the block and then return to the bar. The Irish man looked incredulous and said "You must be mad!". The American insisted that this could be done. At this stage, the bartender gave the American a stern look but still the American said it could be done. The American turned round to the Irish man and said " I will show you how easy it is". He went over to the window, jumped out, dropped ten floors, went round the block and back into the bar.The Irish man could not believe his eyes, and said this is unbelievable. The American said " I will do it once again for you ." He jumped from the window dropped ten floors, round the block and then back into the bar.
The bartender, with annoyance, looked at the American. After a few drinks, the Irish man said he would like to give it a try. He put his drink on the bar, went over to the window, jumped out, dropped ten floors,8 --6 --4 --2 --SPLATTER!!!!!!!! ON THE SIDEWALK BELOW!When the bartender realized what had happened, he looked across at the American & said " Superman- you are so cruel!!!"
Joke 10: Eleven people on a rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
Joke 11: THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY (Some true stories!)
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?
Just remember, it could be worse.....
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There you go, your day is not so bad after all is it?
JOKE 12: A couple are making love
A young couple are making passionate love in the back of the guy,'s van when suddenly the girl, being a bit kinky, yells out: "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!". The guy obviously doesn't have any whips to hand. But not wanting to pass up this opportunity, he has an idea. Opening the window, he snaps off the antenna from his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in ecstasy. A week later, the girl notices the welts from the whipping session are starting to fester, so she visits her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is embarrassed but admits what happened. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so. In all my years as a doctor, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I've ever seen!".
JOKE 13: A frog and a hamster This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bar-tender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
JOKE 14. My Bladder Knows I'm Home Arriving home yesterday evening, as I usually do, I felt the sudden urge to pee. What luck, I thought. And here I am just yards away from the back door. Suddenly it occurs to me: My bladder knows I'm home! I double my pace to the door and fumble through my coat pocket for my keys. There are no keys in my coat pocket.
Me: Bladder, please ignore the information sent by Brain. Hands are unable to locate my keys and it will be a few more minutes before you will be able to void yourself.
Bladder: I'm sorry, but vision central is still reporting that we are standing right outside the back door. Intelligence reports from yesterday that it took less than 30 seconds to get from back door to bathroom.
Me: But I can't find the keys.
Bladder: Not my problem. Starting countdown to elimination: 10... 9...8...
Me: How about if I tie the evacuation route into a knot, forcing a catastrophic backup? That makes it your problem.
Bladder: I've checked with Brain about this, and we think you're bluffing.
Hand reaches into pants...
Bladder: Okay okay! I'll give you another 60 seconds. But that's it.
Encrypted transmission to Penis: Sorry to scare you like that, but it was necessary. I'll make it up to you later tonight.
Me: Hands, how's it going with the search for keys?
Hands: Well they're not in your pocket, where else did you want us to check?
Me: Everywhere! We've only got 60 seconds before Bladder starts his countdown again. Hurry!
Hands: Roger will-co.
Bladder: How's it going up there? 45 seconds left!
Me: Stop distracting me. And turn off that music. I can't concentrate.
Legs: Let's go slightly crossed and start dancing. That always helps.
Me: No it doesn't help. It just makes me look foolish.
Brain: Hands are reporting they've found the keys in your back pack. We should be all set now.
Bladder: I heard that. Resuming countdown. 10... 9... 8...
Vision Central: The back door key isn't on this ring. Hands picked up the wrong keys this morning.
Hands: Vision Central didn't have a problem with that this morning.
Vision Central: It was dark.
Hands: Was not.
Vision Central: Was too.
Brain: ENOUGH! What keys are on this ring?
Vision Central: Front door and mailbox.
Brain: Legs: To the front door, on the double!
Bladder: Or the mailbox.
Me: Don't even think about it. The mailman hates me enough as it is.
Legs: Approaching front door, ETA 12 seconds.
Hands: Wait! We've dropped the backpack!
Brain: LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM!
Hands: Front door in range, keys inserted, lock released.
Brain: Hands, start working on the pants. There's a button and a zipper that needs to be disabled before we reach the evacuation point. Can you handle that?
Hands: No sweat, done it a million times.
Legs: We're in! ETA to bathroom: 5 seconds.
Vision Central: Watch out for the cat!
Vision Central: Target in range.
Penis: Do we have a lock on the target yet? Last time I let go without target acquisition, Hands and Knees were busy cleaning for a half hour afterward.
Brain: Okay target has been acquired. FIRE!
Me: Whew, that was a close call. How long is this going to take?
Bladder: At least 12 more seconds. I'm pretty full.
Me: OK. Anyway Hands and Knees probably should get busy later, this place is a dump.
Colon Control: Did somebody say "dump"? Starting countdown: 10... 9...8...
Joke 15: A Man walks into a pub with an octopus
A man walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager 50 pounds to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better then Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the 50 pounds. Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the 50 pounds. Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I work out how to get its pyjamas off."
JOKE 16: A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!">
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
JOKE 17: Looking For A Compliment
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well...... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"
JOKE 18: The Enterprising Farmer
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
But again that really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY. GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS.
Joke 19: A blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde in Wisconsin decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby, so she went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she felt she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, opened her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't sure what to do. This certainly hadn't been covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly. Tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut a new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Terrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you, Lord?"
And the voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink."
JOKE 20. TRUE COURT RECORDINGS
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q. Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the 26 old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Joke 21: Looking for a compliment
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well...... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"
Joke 22: Rules from the male side
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules:-
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
16 . ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the settee tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Joke 23: A redhead at the fairground
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her
body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts. The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!
Joke 24: The TV writer & the prostitute
A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more commonly known as a trip around the world. At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a new television drama on which they were working jointly. The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained, "Damn it, man, argue on your own time!"
The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!" And then he turned to the girl. "And you...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
Joke 25: A Texan in a restaurant
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne
> to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1000000 in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2000000 in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 3 inches! Sorry, honey."
Joke 26: Two buddies go skiing
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up John's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Joke 27: A Man calls the police...
"Hello, is this the police???
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Hori He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the police officers descended on Hori's house en masse. They searched the house and then proceeded to the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no cocaine. They swore at Hori and left. The phone rang at hori's house.
"Hey, Hori! Did the cops come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, mate".
Joke 28: Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
Joke 29: An Indian story..
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!
What is the moral of this story???
Come on..........take a guess!
Think about it................
You're going to love this!
Here it comes............................
And the moral is........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Joke 30: A "Newfie" visits the Zoo
A Newfoundland man living in Toronto decided to visit the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy, and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said.
The Newfie was very loud in not believing that this was true. So the man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot, and the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally, the man could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager. The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back amazed, and, with a sound of disbelief in his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus bye, he's right...I'm Farty-two!"
Joke 31: A man goes into a bar with 3 ducks!
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck,
"Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"
Joke 32: What Gender is a computer?
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending all of your paycheck on accessories for it.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending all of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Joke 33: Secrets to a perfect relationship (for women)
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Joke 34: A woman takes a duck to the vet
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took
the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."
Joke 35: Boy with an itch
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mum." she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Joke 36: The Defence
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Joke 37: Work vs Prison
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.
IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers
Have a Great Day at WORK !!
Joke 38: The Three Nuns
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,
"black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear,and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.
Then, after a while, the Parrot said,
"Straight, Straight, Curly!"
Joke 39: The Science Teacher
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!"
Joke 40: Three Priests
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The
first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled. The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
Joke 41: Two brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this!!?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!"
Joke 42: The Aircraft
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a
parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag."
Joke 43: The Harmonica
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mum gives me a pound a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five pounds a week not to play it at night."
Joke 44: The absent secretary
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. "How are things at the Office going, Claudia?" she asked. "Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss."
Joke 45: Attractive girl goes to the doctors
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Joke 46: The Poker Playing Dog
A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of poker players. Surprisingly, one of them is a dog. The dog has poker chips in front of him and is holding cards. The man asks the bartender, "Is the dog any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Everytime he gets a good hand, his tail wags."
Joke 47: A man and his rowing boat
A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it!
The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"
The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
Joke 48: The party guests
A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" "Well yes!" answered the woman. The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a pound?" "Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "I've already established that, madam," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."
Joke 49: What do you call..... Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A: Relative humidity.
Joke 50: The party invite
A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in Wyoming, right in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of
hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.
"Hold it friend," the man says, "I'm your neighbor. I have a ranch about 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancin', drinkin' huggin', kissin', humpin' and fightin'.... It's gonna be a great time!"
Not wanting to be un-neighbourly the new rancher lowers the rifle & asks, "How should I dress?"
"Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbor. "Only gonna be the two of us."
Joke 51: Weekend experience
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
Joke 52: Little boy on the bus
Little Johnny boarded the bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
Little Johnny thought for a second then said, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a moment then said, "I am the father of many."
Little Johnny quickly said, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But, he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father of hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat quietly for a while. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Joke 53: A man is walking home alone late one night
A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a..........
BUMP... behind him.....
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ........
on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.
.. the coffin stops !
Joke 54: A middle aged couple seeks sex advice
A middle age couple was really having a hard time communicating about sex. To fix this problem they agreed to seek advice. When they went to the shrink he told them that they had to give each other clearer signs and maybe they sould be more open about it. When they came home the wife told her husband that when ever he wanted to have sex he should squeeze her breasts once and when he didn't to squeeze them twice.
The man agreed, and then told his wife that when she wanted to have sex she should pull on his penis once, and when she didn't to pull it 150 times.
Joke 55: A woman goes in to the chemists
A woman went in to the chemists and asked for some bum deodorant. the chemist said, "we don't sell bum deodorant!" The blond said, "yes you do, I've been buying it for years from here!"
The chemist said, "I assure you young lady we don't sell bum deodorant here!"
The blond said, "well, I'll prove it to you, I'll go home and bring an empty container to show you".
So she went home and came back and handed the container to the chemist with a flourish.
"Madam", said the chemist, "this is a quite normal underarm stick deodorant !"
"No it isn't", said the blond getting annoyed, "look!" she took the deodorant from the chemist and said, "it says on the side, remove top and push up bottom!"
Joke 56: Insurance companies competition
Four insurance companies were in a competition.
The first one comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "Coverage from the sperm to the worm."
The 4th one really thought hard & came up with, "Coverage from the erection to the resurrection."
Joke 57: A woman on the beach
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that dam' map again."
Joke 58: New disease discovered
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
Joke 59: A man in the library
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf." The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring 'em back!"
Joke 60: The Cuban cellmates
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
Joke 61: Woman in a shop
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
Joke 62: A real estate salesman
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
Joke 63: The British & their zips
Do you live in Britain and wear clothing with zippers?
As many as 5,310 people in Britain needed treatment after being felled pulling on a pair of trousers in 2003, up from 3,695 one year previously.
But on a more encouraging note for British men, there was a mild decrease in the far more serious trouser business of "zip-related mishaps."
These eye-watering injuries fell to 700 in 2003 from 800 in 2002.
Joke 64: 3 Blondes go to heaven
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
Joke 65: The fly swatter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the TV remote and 2 were on the phone."
Joke 66: The unhappy bank customer
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty quid. Bye!"
Joke 67: It's up to you! (Poem)
One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame a goal.
One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show we care.
One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,
One life can make the difference,
You see, it's up to you!
Joke 68: Passenger Panic!
A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. My buddy had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the man was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento
for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! (reportedly a True story..)
Joke 69: Ways to die
Two people were arguing about the best way to die, whether by Burial or Cremation.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
Joke 70: Caught speeding
Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer
passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."
Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
Joke 71: The blonde roadworker
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day. The first day, the blonde does 8 miles. The boss is extremely impressed. The second day the blonde does 4 miles. The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before. The third day, the blonde does two miles. The boss thinks she is just having a bad day, so he still lets her keep the job. The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, "You were doing so well before. Why aren't you doing well now?!" The blonde replies, "I can't get far because each day I'm getting further and further away from the bucket."
Joke 72: Two nuns riding bikes
Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the first nun says "I've never come this way before."
The second nun replied "It's the cobblestones."
Joke 73: The Hypnotist
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone." "No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!
Joke 74: The cattle rancher
A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian, and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows." "Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him
some pills," replies the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asks the banker. "I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Joke 75: The wrestlers
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying
up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard
as I could." So, the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!"
Joke 76: A blonde police officer
A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver in a convertible sports car for speeding.
She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing.
Joke 77: A senior citizen goes to the doctor
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you even care if you live to be 80?"
Joke 78: John O'Reilly's toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Joke 79: The Godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!
Joke 80: A man phones the doctor
A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.
"That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up. "She had an appendectomy last year. Don't be stupid. Only a moron would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, asshole!!!", the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?
Joke 81: The blonde & the coffee maker
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked,how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Joke 82: The Redhead in the restaurant
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it upto you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "
"But you just happened to catch my eye. "
Joke 83: The Biology Instructor
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson. "Two, you have a dirty mind. "And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Joke 84: A wife goes to see a therapist
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes
Joke 85: Tired of a listless sex life
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Joke 86: The price of Surgery
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
Joke 87: Wedding Anniversary
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Joke 88: God Almighty
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?" When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good."
Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace. The Nun said, "Very good."
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked Grace a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.
Joke 89: The Genie And The Greenfinch
Early one morning, while clearing out his loft a Man found a green bottle and when he pulled the cork, out popped a Genie. So overjoyed by his release from the bottle the Genie granted the Man the wish that he could take on the appearance of anything he wanted.
There was a beautiful young lady who lived in the flat opposite the Man's apartment and she often paraded about wearing only scanty underwear, so he decided to take on the appearance of a little bird and opted for a "Greenfinch." He flew across to her apartment and settled on the window
sill, his little heart fluttering (bless him!) as he eagerly awaited her appearance.
His heart beat faster than ever when she suddenly entered the room. She was wearing a flimsy nightdress and was truly beautiful, with long blonde hair tumbling down to her shoulders. His green feathers fluffed up as she walked over to the window and, standing right in front of him, with one swift movement, she pulled the nightdress up and over her head:
And that's when the cat got him!